I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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