Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
