Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
