the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
