i was born a porn star she said
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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