She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
as a side note pls kill me
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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