Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
