Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
