dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
