mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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