Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
