Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's rum buckets o'clock
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
