I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
