Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed