I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
