white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
