Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
