I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
