This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
