where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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