remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
All I want is dick and wine.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
