this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
