My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
