My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize