omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
