I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
