I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
