Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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