My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
