it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.