Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.