You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
