i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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