Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
A+ Viking dick
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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