we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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