It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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