If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
the liver wants what the liver wants
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
