i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And then my night got REAL pukey
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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