dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
