so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
