Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
