ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
