A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
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It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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