I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
