I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
