12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
