at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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