I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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