So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
