You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
