she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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