Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
