Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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