Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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