grandma shit on top of the toilet
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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