Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
