We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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