when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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