dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
