This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
