Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
