Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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